


and if I hurt you I'm sorry (the music makes me dismissive).

by orphan_account



Series: I sleep. I dream. I make up things that I would never say. (I say them very quietly.) [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, this came out angstier than expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 04:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2373896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall was already shaking his head before Harry could even finish his sentence but fucking fuck that because Harry wasn’t going to sit back and just let Niall leave without getting some answers. He wasn’t that guy and Niall was his and this love was for keeps not some halfway shit, it was all or fucking nothing. </p><p>--</p><p>or 'i am nobody's heroine' told from harry's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and if I hurt you I'm sorry (the music makes me dismissive).

**Author's Note:**

> okay so someone commented at and said i should make this in harry's POV and i already loved this universe so i was like fuck yes so i wrote it, thank you Rach!

 

When Harry was six years old and his sister Gemma was eight his parents got a divorce. His father packed up his bags one day, got into his Cadillac, and drove right out of Southern California leaving behind and ex-wife and two small kids. For two weeks in a row Harry had nightmares bad nightmares that had him waking up in the middle of the night screaming and shaking. Gemma was getting into fights at school and she kept asking for their dad and their mom could barely get out of bed some mornings.

They all were a mess and their father who was god knows where with god knows who didn’t give a damn. Their grandmother came around soon to take care of them because they needed that, someone around. Harry kept biting his nails down to the core and Gemma was mean and hard and that wasn’t how they were supposed to be but Harry was six and helpless and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted his life back.

One night he heard his grandmother telling his mother to get the kids out of the house to get them doing something anything. Two days later his mother enrolled Gemma into girls kickboxing and Harry into baseball. He knew his mother had played when she was younger had seen the endless trophies and awards on her wall and pictures from when she was younger. She was good too. She coached the boy’s little league team.

When she handed Harry that bat for the first time Harry felt as if he had been playing the game his whole life as if everything in his life had led up to that one moment. And he was good really fucking good; good enough to have the older boys look at him with their version of respect.

“You can sit with us.” They said scooting over during break time because Harry was good and Harry was going to lead them to victory.

Soon after Harry stopped having nightmares and he gradually stopped thinking of his father wherever he was. Gemma stopped getting into fights at school and his mother was smiling again, real smiles that took up all her face and she looked like sunshine and Harry was so so happy. His mother soon met a man named Robin who always brought her flowers and who was nice to Harry and Gemma and two years later they were married.

Harry was shoved into a suit he didn’t care about and Gemma into a pretty pink dress and Harry sometimes called Robin ‘dad’ when he was sure he couldn’t hear him just because Robin was the closest he had ever gotten to a real life father.

\--

Freshman year at the University of Massachusetts proved hard. He barely got any playing time in during the baseball season and because he was a lowerclassmen trying to get into a frat they hazed the fuck out of him and every other wannabe frat boy. Just because he was a star baseball player didn’t mean they’d go easy on him. Harry met Liam another freshman at the time who took every hazing like it didn’t mean a thing. Liam played football and they bonded over the fact that well they liked boys more than they liked girls anyway.

Liam soon met sociology major and an English minor named Zayn who smoked far too many cigarettes and who was so goddamn pretty and Zayn soon became Harry’s friend too. Zayn looked cool on the surface but Harry soon learned he was a giant fucking geek just like Liam and they belonged together and Harry was always third wheeling them anyway.

Around January of freshman year Harry met a business major named Louis Tomlinson who was good at snappy comebacks and getting Harry into his bed. They dated on and off for a good period of time till they realized they were better being friends who fucked on occasion and it was nice their little group of four. So freshman year didn’t end as bad as it had started and Harry was happy and things were good.

Everything was okay.

\--

Harry was talking to his mom and sister on the phone the first day of his sophomore year when Zayn barged into his room in the frat house. He had a cigarette in between his lips because he was Zayn and he had that look on his face, the agitated one that he usually got around Harry and Liam’s frat boy friends who usually did and said stupid things.

Harry finished up the call with his mom and Gemma then turned back to Zayn, “what’s up, doc?” Zayn rolled his eyes obviously not appreciating Harry’s humor as much as Harry had thought he would.

“My roommate is…,” Zayn looked up as if trying to find the words to describe his new roommate and then finally settled on, “weird.”

“Yeah? Weird how?” Harry asked sitting on his bed. Zayn’s last roommate a med school student was barely in the room half the time and when he was he always had a girl over, looking about ready to eat her face. Because they were kissing of course not because he had some kind of weird face eating fetish or something not that Harry would know he never even talked to the guy. So how weird could this new roommate even be?

“He’s scared of like everything. Not even oh it’s my freshman year and I’m nervous type thing no just scared, you should’ve seen his face when I opened the door oh my god kid looked like he was going to shit his pants. He like kept side eyeing me kind of secretively while I was reading so I had to leave, kid was making me nervous just being in the same room as him.” Zayn looked exasperated after his story. He ran a hand across his face and took a drag out of his cigarette blowing a smoke ring out.

“Maybe he was like an only child his whole life so he’s not used to other people. Maybe he was homeschooled.”

“Anything is possible really with him.”

“Is he cute?” Harry asked sitting on his bed and putting his hand behind his head and grinning up at Zayn. Zayn rolled his eyes.

“You pig. And I guess, I mean I wasn’t really paying attention to how he looks. His clothes look way too big for him like they’re trying to swallow him whole and he’s really skinny. He’s blonde.”

“I like blondes.” Harry said laughing. He wasn’t really thinking of going after Zayn’s roommate he just didn’t want to see Zayn stressing over some freaked out freshman. Kid was probably having a bad day, god knew Harry wasn’t the most social person his first few days at the place.

“Please, he’d probably drop dead if you tried to hit on him. And hey should I be bothered that Liam is talking to Sophia again?” Zayn crawled onto the bed right next to him but he was lying on his stomach looking down at Harry.

“Sophia’s his ex right?”

“No, his dog.” Zayn rolled his eyes and Harry mimicked the action.

“No, you shouldn’t be worried. It’s Liam.”

“That doesn’t help me. Anybody is capable of cheating.”

“Not Liam. Liam’s like made of rainbows and brute force. He should stop shaving his head though; he looks like he’s ready to join the Aryan brotherhood.” Zayn laughed and Harry grinned because Zayn wasn’t stressing anymore and he couldn’t take it when his friends were stressed out. Especially Zayn who was so fucking Zen all the time.

They got up and left for Five Guys their favorite fast food place that was near the university, Harry remembered all four of them getting high one night during freshman year and getting hit with a sudden case of the munchies. They all piled into Harry’s Nissan and bought half the shit on the menu making a right fool of themselves. The girl who was serving looked annoyed and Harry felt a little bad but he was having fun and it wasn’t his fault she was stuck working at a shitty fast food place that served morons like him and his friends.

\--

After Five Guys they went to the baseball diamond for about fifteen minutes, the freshman usually came around to play and Harry noticed they were good (well good enough to be recruited) but they had a lot of work to do. Their technique was all off and Harry loved baseball and he was all about teamwork and all that but they needed to win the college NCAA division three championships and the thing- Harry had known this when he the school had chosen him- about being a division three player was that he had to work extra hard to even have the recruiters glance at him.

And Harry’s dream since he had picked up a bat was to be in the Majors. Every single baseball game he’d been to as a kid and every single movie he’d watched as a kid about baseball and then for what? Nothing. It couldn’t be for nothing. So they all needed to be in tip top shape and Harry was going to make sure of it and now that he was a sophomore it meant more play time which meant more people watching.

Baseball was his life and he wouldn’t give it up for anything or anyone. Baseball saved him.

\--

After watching the freshman play Harry drove himself and Zayn back to Zayn’s dorm room. Zayn was talking about how he was going to ask Liam to spend winter break with him and his family in the Swiss Alps (because Zayn’s family was filthy rich and could afford weekly trips to the Swiss Alps if they so craved it). Harry was just nodding along when Zayn opened his dorm room door and flipped on the lights.

At first Harry didn’t notice anything out of place, Zayn’s side was neatly made and so was his roommate’s side and Harry began to think maybe Zayn’s roommate had gone out but then a movement from the bed on the left side startled him and he watched as a blonde head peeked out of the blankets and turned around.

He looked tired and his eyes puffy but that wasn’t what Harry really cared about, it was the fact that the boy was pretty like… honest to god the prettiest thing Harry had ever seen in his life and Harry had seen and been around a whole lot of pretty. He had these flushed pink cheeks and hair so blonde it was almost white and he looked so pale as if he’d never been out in the sun once which was a startling contrast to Louis who was brunette, vivacious, and so fucking tan he almost made it look like an art form.

“Hey.” Harry said smiling a little in hopes of not scaring the kid off. Zayn had said he was skittish. The kid turned away and said nothing. Harry pouted a little but didn’t really mind, he could deal with shy.

“He doesn’t really talk much.” Zayn said rolling his eyes and sitting down on his bed, making it creak loudly. Harry sat down next to him sneaking a glance at the roommate’s side of the room but he hadn’t moved an inch since he’d turned away.

“He’s cute.” Harry whispered grinning a little and Zayn rolled his eyes.

“Not happening. Look at him? He’s like a baby deer.”

“Fawn.” Harry said and Zayn raised an eyebrow,

“What?”

“A baby deer, it’s called a fawn.”

Zayn groaned, “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Harry Styles?”

“I’m sorry. It’s a vet thing.”

“You’re a fucking vet thing.” Zayn replied knocking him on the head softly as if what he had said made any sense. “Want a cigarette?”

“Nah, I’m tryna quit ‘member?”

“Oh yeah baseball and shit.” Harry looked at the bed again. Still no movement or even a sign of life from the roommate. Harry wondered if the kid had been stuck there the whole time Zayn was gone just hiding under the sheets like a recluse. It made Harry a little sad, made Harry’s chest ache but he didn’t know how to reach out. Harry was more of a goof ball than a comforter probably because he’d never had to be. He was the youngest in the family so he was always being comforted and spoiled and his friends were bouncing off the walls and chill, not silent and lonely. But this boy, this beautiful boy that Harry had just laid eyes on like seven minutes ago had the saddest blue eyes Harry had ever seen.

And Harry really didn’t like that, not at fucking all.

\--

Harry left about thirty minutes later and by then it was around eight so he called up Louis who picked up on the third ring. Knowing Louis he was probably still unpacking his shit because he was lazy and had probably spent the whole morning watching Sex and the City reruns or the Carrie Diaries either or.

“What do you want from me, Harry Styles?”

“Baseball and blowjobs?”

“Just blowjobs? Weak!” Louis goaded and Harry laughed a little,

“Alright, what do you want?”

“You know that thing we did this summer?” Louis was giggling and Harry was smiling. It reminded him of why him and Louis had dated in the first place because he was slightly in love with Louis because Louis had him feeling like he was fucking fifteen and shit but all grown up at the same time. Some part of him was always going to be a little in love with Louis Tomlinson. It wasn’t his fault.

“What thing?”

“You know the thing you do with your tongue?” Harry blushed and laughed out loud.

“Mmhmm.” Harry said.

“Yeah. That.” There was shuffling on Louis’ end and Harry imagined him already putting his shoes on.

“Alright so… baseball and a rim job?”

“Oh my god, don’t say that out loud!” Louis was probably blushing and hiding his face even though he was alone. “But yes.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in uh fifteen minutes.”

“And I’ll be here.”

\--

“So what’s on your mind?” Louis asked him panting a little after Harry sat up from his spot in between Louis’ legs. Louis shuffled a little so his pants were back on and Harry tossed him a cigarette and rolled down the windows. Louis had pitched some baseballs to him for about twenty minutes and then they took it back to Harry’s car and Harry gave Louis what he had promised. He liked seeing Louis that all undone and pretty.

“There’s something on my mind?” Harry asked and Louis nodded.

“Yeah you seemed distracted.”

“I didn’t notice.” Harry said but then thought back to Zayn’s roommate and realized yeah he was a little distracted. It unnerved him, he’d seen the kid for a good ten seconds and now he couldn’t even stop subconsciously thinking about him. It was gross really how fucking fast he fell for people. He remembered when he’d seen Louis at that New Year’s party his frat brothers were throwing and how he wanted Louis’ legs wrapped around his waist and Louis’ everything everywhere. It was an odd thing he did, loving people before he even realized he was.

“Look you’re distracted right now. What’s up?”

Harry sighed and shrugged, “I met Zayn’s roommate.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Louis blinked and nudged him, “go on.”

“He’s shy and… cute.” Harry felt himself blushing. What the fucking hell was he, a twelve year old girl with her first crush? What in the world was his problem?

“Cuter than me?” Louis asked smiling a little. Harry bent down a little and captured Louis’ lips in his own, Louis melted into him. Harry knew they could’ve been something great if they tried hard enough but that was over now. He pulled away.

“Nobody’s cuter than you, Louis.” He didn’t even know if he meant it.

“Okay well what is it about this boy that’s got you all out of it?”

Harry shrugged because honestly? He didn’t have a fucking clue either. It wasn’t like Zayn’s roommate was the first shy person he’d ever met or the first good looking one either. He’d fucked so much of those but maybe that was the thing. He didn’t want to fuck Zayn’s roommate. He wanted to crawl into his little blanket haven he’d made and talk to him. He wanted him but just innocently, nothing more.

“Harry,” Louis said in that lecture-y older brother voice, “you just met him.”

“I know, Louis. You think I don’t know that?”

“You have a tendency to love people who can break you, honey.”

“Like you?” Harry asked just because he wanted to be mean and because he didn’t want Louis to get all holier than thou on him like Harry didn’t know he was fucking fucked. Louis’ gaze went cold and he sat up a little and put his cigarette in Harry’s ashtray.

“Fuck you, Harry. I’m trying to help.”

“Why?” Harry asked leaning down and pressing his lips to Louis’ collarbone because Louis loved that shit. “Why don’t we just fuck instead? I don’t wanna talk.”

“Yeah you do. I can feel it.”

“Sweetheart,” Harry drawled because he was charming as fuck when he wanted to be and sometimes Louis fell right into it, “I don’t wanna talk. I just want you right now, okay?”

Louis sighed, “Whatever.”

Harry grinned and even when Louis was grinding down on him he couldn’t help to think of the roommate and how gorgeous he looked and how pink his lips were and just… fuck. So fucking fucked.

\--

The next day Harry spent the morning practicing with his teammates, then hopping into a shower. He and Liam went golfing around eleven and then around one Harry drove to Zayn’s dorm. He, Louis, Liam, and Zayn were going horseback riding. Louis’ uncle owned a small ranch about twenty minutes from the university and Harry liked horses and he liked riding them, it always relaxed him and plus he liked animals. I.E why he was going to be a vet.

Zayn’s roommate was lying on his back when Harry walked in and he snuck a glance at Harry then looked away. Still so lovely it made Harry’s head hurt.

“Hey.” Harry said again just because. Zayn was too busy looking under his bed for his shoes that he didn’t notice what was happening. Zayn’s roommate looked at him for a little then finally said,

“Hi.” His voice was soft and a little scratchy like he didn’t use it much but just hearing his voice was like somebody had lit Harry’s skin on fire. He swallowed, god what the hell was wrong with him? The roommate rolled onto his side but Harry wanted to keep talking to him, he wanted to hear his voice again wanted to keep hearing it.

“I’m Harry.” Harry said stepping a little closer but not to close. The roommate didn’t even look at him; he was just staring at the wall with the blankest look on his face like Harry hadn’t even spoken. It was unnerving but Harry wasn’t one to give up easily. “What’s your name?” He finally asked but still no reply. He saw the kid’s eyebrow twitch slightly like he was annoyed or maybe a little frightened and then Harry felt bad because that wasn’t his intention.

“Harry, leave him alone.” Zayn said apparently finding his shoes. He grabbed Harry’s wrist and tugged him outside, slamming the dorm room door behind him.

“He’s very-”

“Odd? Yes, I know.” Zayn said interrupting him and rolling his eyes.

“I was going to say socially inept but okay.”

“You’re only saying that because you like him. Not that he’s like a fucking troll or something but… he is so not your type.”

“What’s my type?” Harry asked pushing the front door open so they both could walk out the university and to the parking lots were Harry’s car was parked.

“Boys like Louis. Pretty, shameless boys.”

“I have multiple types. And Louis and I didn’t even work out; shouldn’t I be going for someone different?”

“Okay but I just couldn’t see it happening you know? He’s so painfully shy.” Zayn actually looked like he felt bad for the kid which was such a typical Zayn reaction. Zayn wasn’t good at being mean to people but he was great at sympathizing for them. “Just because he’s nice to look at doesn’t mean you should go for it.”

“I don’t want to fuck him.” Harry blurted because he didn’t because that was the last thing on his mind when it came to the kid (because honestly that was what Zayn’s roommate was, he barely looked like he’d hit puberty yet).

“I never said anything.” Zayn replied shrugging and turning on the radio.

\--

“So how’s the boy?” Louis asked riding beside him. They both had left Zayn and Liam far behind because they were too busy flirting while Harry and Louis actually wanted to ride.

“He said hi to me this morning.” Harry said feeling juvenile. It wasn’t like he was fucking Louis last night or anything; he was so ridiculous sometimes he baffled himself.

“How seventh grade.” Louis said with a teasing grin and Harry shrugged,

“Hey, it’s not my fault. I told you he was shy.”

“What’s next? You’re going to write him a note, circle yes or no if you like me?”

“I might. Could be totally effective.”

Louis laughed leaning down a little and petting his horse, Davinci, “you hear that, Davinci? Harry isn’t a nineteen year old man he’s actually a twelve year old boy obsessing over another twelve year old boy.”

“Stop ridiculing me in front of the horses.”

“Can’t help it you make it so easy, baby.”

\--

The next day Harry got a call from his coach, Coach Wright to meet him at Waffle House and Harry did driving up there early in the morning tired but excited. Coach Wright only ever called him aside when he had news, it didn’t always mean it was good (like when he had told Harry he would be benched half the season) but sometimes it was (like when he told Harry that he’d be starting for every game beginning pre-season).

Coach Wright was a balding man in his late forties who had played major league for a little before an injury stopped his career right where it began. They used to call him Flighty Wrighty because he ran so fast he looked like he was taking flight. Coach Wright went hard on them but Harry liked that, liked feeling his lungs constricting inside of him sometimes because he knew everything was fucking worth it.

Harry slid into the seat across from Coach Wright who had already ordered pancakes for him and Harry.

“Hey, Coach.” Harry said shaking the man’s hand (his mother had told him a smile and a good handshake got him everywhere in life and that advice hadn’t been wrong once).

“Mornin’ Harry. Take a seat, son.” Harry took a seat.

“So?” Harry asked playing with the salt and pepper shakers.

“I just got news from one of my friends working in the drafting department that the recruiters are going to be going around looking at the division three players now. You know how they used to send around one guy every five games?”

“Yeah.” Harry said not daring to get his hopes up yet.

“Well, I heard now its three guys every two games. And I ain’t talking schmuks, kid I’m talking big time guys. I’m talking guys who work for the Dodgers, the bloody fucking Angels. If they come to one game and everybody on the team is shit they won’t bother but… well you fill in the blanks.” Coach Wright was staring him down, bushy eyebrows turned downwards but he wasn’t unhappy this was actually the happiest Harry had ever seen his coach.

“Why aren’t you telling the whole team this, sir?” Harry asked shifting in his seat.

“Harry, listen you’re probably one of the most talented ball players I ever seen in my years kid. You’re sure of yourself and you’re smart and you’re fucking terrific, you’re everything that those majors need. You can talk ball like a second language and you know how to lead a team to victory, I seen you do it. The other boys, they’re good I give ‘em that but they ain’t half as good as you. You get it?” This was the most determined Harry had ever seen his coach look and he didn’t know whether to be flattered or fucking outraged.

He didn’t like being put on a pedestal. He didn’t want to be the saving fucking grace for their team, he was playing to win and dominate _with his team_. Baseball was a team sport, if Harry wanted an individual sport he would’ve ditched baseball for swimming or fucking tennis. But he saw where his coach was coming from and he knew that this was his big break and he was only a sophomore but if he got drafted, god the look on his mom’s face. It would probably be the best thing to happen to him ever.

“Yeah,” he finally said nodding, “I get it.”

\--

“So he’s basically saying it’s all about you fuck all the other guys?” Liam asked lining up his golf ball then hitting it. Harry watched as it circled into the hole.

“Basically. I mean I know I should like it but it just feels… sleazy. He acts like I’m the only one on the team. Shouldn’t all the boys have gotten the memo? Costello and Nichols are really good players too, why didn’t he tell them? I ain’t special; I’m just a fucking kid from Southern California who loves baseball. What’s so different about me and all the other guys who wanna play the majors?” Harry ran a hand through his hair and hit his golf ball and he fucking missed the hole. He groaned. “See, I make mistakes too.”

Liam gave him a half smile and shrugged, “but isn’t this what you wanted, Harry? Attention from the recruiters. They draft you and it’s your whole life, dude.” Harry watched Liam line up his ball and hit it like the fucking mini-Tiger Woods he was.

“Yeah I know. I feel like I’m fucking the team over though, like I mean I just earned respect from the older guys and now this?”

“Look,” Liam said leaning on his stick a little, “you gotta stop thinkin’ about what other people think and think about you alright? It’s a team sport but you gotta get a little selfish bro. Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez didn’t go to the majors with Yeah-Yeah, Porter, and Squints all on his back he went with himself. He was a good player the best fucking player and that’s you right now okay? I ain’t telling you to abandon your team but I’m telling you to think about what’s good for you. It’s not your fault these dudes ain’t half as good as you and you gotta stop thinkin’ like that.”

“For a football player you sure watch a lot of baseball movies.” Harry said grinning and Liam laughed,

“What can I say? I’m all about the balls.” He hit his ball and it landed in the hole. “Zayn loves it.” Then he winked and Harry groaned and faked gagging and they played the whole day but he couldn’t stop replaying Liam’s words back in his head.

_I ain’t telling you to abandon your team but I’m telling you to think about what’s good for you._

\--

Harry was trying to keep from falling asleep as their bio teacher introduced herself when Zayn’s roommate barged into the room, head down with a full body blush going through him. He slid into a seat in front of Harry next to a black haired girl and put his head down. Harry was trying to pay attention to the teacher but he couldn’t stop staring at the back of the kid’s head.

When class was over the kid stood up quick and turned a little and met Harry’s eye. Harry raised his hand and waved, hoping the kid would either give him a smile or a wave back but it was as if the kid was looking right through him because he turned and practically ran out of there almost knocking a girl down. Harry ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

\--

Working at the university library gave him something to do on his spare time and since it was the first day at university there was barely anybody there so Harry found himself listening to music and thinking of Zayn’s roommate. He was such an enigma and Harry wanted to figure him out, bad. He didn’t like that the kid had him so distracted but he was infatuated and it was messing with his head.

He’d never seen the kid smile but even then he was the most handsome boy Harry had ever had the pleasure to look at in his life. He curled over himself like he was trying to take up as little space as possible and that bothered Harry to no end like why would someone like that try to hide. Did he just not see how fucking beautiful he was? Was he just going through life with his head down or under blankets?

Maybe he had. Usually Harry would’ve been discouraged by now (because Zayn was right and shy wasn’t really his type) but the kid had him all fucked up and out of sorts and it wasn’t his fault okay?

\--

“He’s a biochemistry major and his name is Niall by the way.” Zayn said to him the next day. Zayn had waited for him after a rigorous practice and now they were both sitting in Harry’s car getting high as fuck. Niall, such a beautiful name for such a beautiful boy. Harry hadn’t even realized he’d said that out loud till Zayn snorted,

“Ew. Such a fucking sap.”

“You waxed poetic about Liam’s flat ass for like two hours once.”

“Liam’s ass is not flat! It’s like fucking sculpted by the gods you know? Michelangelo made it and everything during the fucking renaissance period, the statue of David was made because of Liam.” 

“His dick was sculpted after Liam’s too, right?”

“Fucking fuck you, Harry.” Harry couldn’t help the laugh that was pulled out of him. They sat in a silence for a bit and he kept thinking of Niall, pretty pretty Niall with the sad eyes and the pretty lips. Fuck.

\--

The next day before Niall could track star it out of there like he did every day Harry caught him, wrapping a soft hand around Niall’s triceps as to not freak him out. “Hey, Niall.” Niall pulled away quick and looked up at him angry,

“What do you want?” He snapped, Scottish (no Irish his brain supplied) accent thick. He looked angry but he was fidgeting at the same time like he was nervous. Harry was the nervous one though; Niall’s eyes were piercing blue staring at him like he was trying to kill Harry with just one look.

“To talk. Zayn told me you were a freshman, I know how hard that is.” Harry blurted quickly. Niall looked him up and down quickly then took a large step back. Harry stayed where he was, didn’t want to piss Niall off more than he was already.

“Send me a fruit basket then.” Niall hissed and Harry blinked, blushing out of embarrassment.

“Hey hey hey,” Harry said, “I’m sorry. I was just trying to be nice.” Niall fixed him with a look cold enough to freeze hell over,

“Don’t.” Niall finally said, harshly. He then turned on his heel and left leaving Harry standing there blinking. He rubbed the back of his neck bashfully then left the room. So Niall wanted nothing to do with him. How fucking lovely. 

\--

Harry had his first baseball game that day, it was pre-season but still he had to make it count. He had ran for about two hours before the game so that he could erase all thoughts of blue eyes and pale skin from his mind and it had worked, he was in the motherfucking zone and nothing could take him out of it. That afternoon he played better than he’d ever played before, he played hard and fast like he was playing for his life and they won.

Fucking twelve to three, they dominated that other team and he could see Coach Wright grinning at him and nodding. Harry grinned back; he had to start being selfish even just a little. He was the best on the team anyway.

\--

“I tried to get him to come but he’s a stubborn one.” Zayn said dipping his fries in ketchup and feeding it to Liam. Harry rolled his eyes, fucking married couple those two were. His arm was around Louis’ shoulder who was sipping on his coke and kissing Harry’s jawline.

“It’s alright. Don’t think he likes me very much.” Harry shrugged like it didn’t hurt even though it stung a little. He liked Niall, a lot actually and he didn’t even know why and he wanted to get to know Niall wanted to sit in a little diner and have Niall across from him tell him all his hopes and dreams and all that cheesy shit.

“He’s missing out, babe.” Louis said.

“I don’t think he thinks so.”

“Why you so down about this freshman anyway? Do you not see how half the guys and girls look at you?” Liam asked.

“Liam’s right. Get over him, Kevin Hursch told me he thought you were cute the other day. Kevin Hursch is an artist, heard they’re like so fucking passionate in bed.” Zayn said and Liam fixed him with a look. He rolled his eyes. “ _I heard_ I didn’t experience, fucking jealous bastard.”

“I don’t care about Kevin Hursch and I don’t care about Niall either. I care about baseball.”

“Can you fuck baseball?” Louis asked.

“No, but I have you so it’s all good.”

“Gross.” Zayn said and Louis turned to him quickly,

“Oh don’t let me fucking get started on you Mr. Liam’s Dick Could Probably Split Me in Half.” Zayn blushed and Harry laughed loudly. Liam was giggling into Zayn’s shoulder and yeah Harry’s heart was a little broken but he had his friends and he had baseball so he was fine.

\--

Harry was working at the library one night, putting books on shelves and whistling a Jay-Z song that Liam had introduced him to when he heard the door open. He stopped whistling and turned around slowly only to be met with Niall in pajama pants and a thin black t-shirt looking like all the color had drained from his face as if he had seen a ghost or something. Harry had to resist the urge to smile, to say _“hey, how are you? I kind of think you’re really beautiful and I kind of want to kiss you sometime.”_ Niall wanted nothing to do with him.

“Hello, welcome to Carpo Library my name is Harry if you need anything I’m here.” Was all he said though then he turned around quickly and continued putting the books on the shelves, hyper aware of Niall not having moved an inch. A couple of seconds later the door to the library was being opened and when Harry turned again Niall was gone.

“Fuck.” Harry whispered to himself.

\--

Him and Louis frequented the gym together sometimes so that was where they were two nights later, there was a party that afternoon so after the gym he had to drive Louis to the mall. Harry was good with a baseball hat, a baseball tee, and jeans but Louis was not.

Louis was doing squats while Harry was bench pressing when Louis said, “So I think we should get back together.” The weights almost crushed Harry’s chest but he caught them just in time. He stopped for a little bit then looked at Louis who was still doing squats and staring at him.

“What?” Harry asked because he was sure he hadn’t heard that right.

“Me and you… back together.”

“Why?”

“We’ve been so good with each other lately. I know you’re not fucking other people and I’m not either.” Harry didn’t want to tell Louis he wasn’t fucking anybody else but him because Louis was safe because if he ever tried to fuck anybody else he would just think of Niall.

“Louis,” Harry said softly because Louis got unpredictable sometimes. He could fly off the handle any minute. “We’re really good as friends. You know I love you but… no, Louis.”

Silence. Deathly funeral silence. Louis didn’t say anything as he continued doing squats then he stopped and said. “It’s because of him isn’t it?”

“Who? Niall?”

“Yeah… him. You’re like fucking infatuated with him… it’s gross.” Louis did that sometimes, lashed out when he was hurt and Harry didn’t like hurting Louis. He didn’t like doing it when they were together and especially not now when things were so good and smooth between them. Louis could hold a grudge better than anybody Harry knew and Harry didn’t want that. Louis was his rock.

“Louis, sweetheart-”

“Don’t fucking call me, sweetheart. You’re such a child, you know that?”

“I’m sorry, Louis.”

“I don’t want to hear about him anymore. Don’t talk about him around me anymore do you understand me, Harry Styles?” Louis was angry he was shaking and he looked like he was going to cry all at once. Harry couldn’t help it when he wrapped his arms around Louis’ neck because he was so short and Louis buried his face in Harry’s chest and he actually cried. It wasn’t loud because Louis wouldn’t dare but he was sniffling and Harry had never broken anybody’s heart before till right then and he swore to fucking god that he would never ever do it again, not if he could help it at least. “Promise me you won’t mention him anymore.” Louis whimpered.

“Anything for you, Louis.”

“Gosh, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.” So Harry said nothing.

\--

“Are you and Louis fighting?” Liam asked him that afternoon at the party. Harry had just gotten finished dancing with a pretty brunette and he found himself going to the kitchen and downing a water bottle. He was designated driver so that meant no beer for him, not that he minded though. Liam was standing around watching a game of beer pong probably waiting for Zayn. Harry shrugged,

“I don’t know. Shit happened… I think we worked it out but you know Louis.”

“Louis’ in love with you, you know that right?”

“I realize.” Harry said rubbing his temple a little. He was way too sober for this shit.

“You’re not ignoring him right?”

“I couldn’t ignore Louis if I tried, Liam. Louis’ like my favorite person ever. If we’re not talking it’s not my fault.” As if summoned Louis stumbled into the kitchen with a beer in his hand, giggling about something.

“Hey, Louis.” Harry said smiling down at him.

“Harry!” Louis drawled loudly putting his beer down and wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist, “come dance with me please!”

“Do you even have to ask?”

So they danced and Louis was smiling and happy and it was good, this was normal. He didn’t know if he could survive knowing that Louis hated him. It would probably kill him.

\--

Harry was working at the library the week after and one night while he was sitting on the counter with Louis in between his legs touching his hand and telling some funny joke that Harry was hysterically laughing at Niall walked in and spotted them. Harry’s stomach did that weird swooping thing it did when he saw Niall nowadays but he didn’t say anything.

He watched as Niall turned and walked towards one of the shelves disappearing from sight.

“Is that him?” Louis asked suddenly and Harry blinked then looked down at Louis remembering their talk from last week.

“Uh… yeah.” Harry said fidgeting a little.

“He’s cute.” Louis said blandly. “I’m gonna go talk to him.”

“What?” Harry said quickly. “No, Louis don’t do that.”

“I’m not going to be mean. I just want to get a feel for the kid don’t get your panties in a twist, honey.” Louis patted him on the cheek softly and then he was gone, disappearing into the same aisle Niall had. Harry counted twenty seconds before he was hopping off the counter and walking towards the same aisle that Louis and Niall were in only to find Louis right up in Niall’s personal space and Niall looking way too uncomfortable for his own good.

“Louis, what the fuck are you doing?” Harry asked a little embarrassed. He wondered what Louis had said to Niall.

“I’m making friends.” Louis said in that pouty bratty way he usually got when they didn’t just let him do whatever he wanted.

“Leave him alone, Louis.” Harry said because Louis could get malicious when he wanted to and Harry knew Louis got like that with people he didn’t know. Harry didn’t know what it was about boys that could fucking rip him to shreds but it attracted him, both Louis and Niall could probably put a bullet right in his chest and he wouldn’t even mind. Louis rolled his eyes and stood up,

“You’re no fun.”

Harry rolled his eyes and softly hit Louis in the back of the head. Louis left and then he turned back to Niall who was sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, small and angry looking. He was gorgeous like that.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Niall snapped.

“Louis’ a handful.” Harry said because Louis was and he didn’t want Niall hating him more just because he had a loud mouthed friend.

“I was okay.” Niall said instead. He looked annoyed and now Harry was confused, didn’t really know what to say to get Niall to stop being so fucking upset with him.

“I’m sorry. I won’t help you again.” Harry said not moving an inch. Niall shrugged like that was all he ever wanted and said,

“Okay. Good. Don’t need it.” All cold and mean, clenching his jaw and everything. He was so attractive though and Harry could see there was a story behind what he was doing and he wanted to figure it out.

“You’re very difficult to get along with.” Was all Harry could think to say though and Niall snorted.

“I don’t really want people to get along with me.” Niall said breaking every inch of Harry’s heart. Niall didn’t notice though or maybe he did and was just choosing to ignore it like he always did when he was around Harry.

“What’s so good about being alone?” He asked but Niall didn’t answer he just shoved whatever book he was reading back where he found it then he stood up so quickly that Harry backed up a little.

“Stop looking at me.” Niall said eyes boring into Harry’s, staring him down almost even though Harry was taller. “Leave me alone from now on. Okay?” Harry could feel his throat closing up with the force of the rejection like Niall had hit him across the face repeatedly,

“Okay, Niall okay.” Harry said softly. Niall walked around him and left. Harry rubbed his eyes because what else was there to do.

\--

Soon after that Harry felt as if every single professor at the university had gotten together to plot how they would kill them all with work. Harry was swamped, found himself waking up at six every morning for practice, then classes, and then he was over at Zayn’s dorm studying. Liam and Louis always joined them and Niall of course was always there too ignoring all of them. Louis had come to the conclusion that Niall thought he was better than all of them and Harry didn’t want to believe that so he didn’t.

He didn’t talk to Niall didn’t even look at him because he didn’t want to make Niall uncomfortable and it was better this way. If Niall wanted him to make himself scarce then he would. They continued to ignore each other and Harry continued playing ball, Coach Wright told him that the scouts were very impressed and Harry knew he should’ve been ecstatic but he couldn’t stop thinking about Niall about everything with Louis and he hated that he let some pretty boys distract him from what he loved the most.

He needed to focus, so he golfed with Liam and tried to understand how Liam got good grades, was quarterback for their college football team, and still kept his relationship going.

“Compartmentalize, bro. You take what’s important which for me are my grades, football, and Zayn and I think alright how can I keep all three and I make a plan. I make times to study with Zayn which both helps me with my grades and lets me see my boyfriend and then I make time for football and Zayn is always at my football games and I can only play football if I’m getting good grades. Zayn wants the best for me so if I’m not getting good grades he’s gonna fuck me up. It’s all in the mindset, you have to prioritize.” Liam sunk the ball into the hole and grinned. “Get it?”

“Got it.”

“Good.”

\--

Harry was sleeping at Zayn’s dorm one night when he was woken up to what sounded like a whimper. He blearily opened his eyes to find Niall silently pacing the room and running his hand through his hair, half shaking looking like he was going to have a panic attack. Harry knew he should’ve pretended not to see and gone back to sleep but he couldn’t.

“Hey,” Harry whispered and Niall jumped then turned around. He looked manic. “You alright?” Niall looked ready to burst into tears but he ran a hand across his face and said,

“Yes.” Harry resisted the urge to groan.

“Niall, no you’re not. You look like you’re going to cry.” He didn’t want to make Niall angry but he also didn’t want to leave him sad. He’d rather have Niall pissed off at him rather than crying alone.

“Oh my god, why do you care? You don’t even know me.” Niall said and Harry wondered who in the fucking fuck had hurt this boy so much that he believed that he didn’t deserve help even when it was being offered?

“Why do I need to know you to want to help?”

“Well do you have a car and sixty bucks?” Niall asked making it sound like a rhetorical question like he really didn’t believe Harry had a car or that kind of money.

“Yes.” Harry answered immediately because he did. Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off Niall who had stopped pacing and was now biting his cuticles, looking at Harry suspiciously.

“Okay then.” Was all Niall said and Harry blinked confused,

“Okay then?”

“Wanna do me a favor?” Niall asked him, sort of tentatively as if Harry wasn’t the one to start asking questions in the first place.

“Yeah, Ni of course.” Harry said because Niall could’ve asked him to drive to the end of the fucking world with him and Harry wouldn’t have given it a second thought. It was scary really how much he cared about this boy. It was so intense that it kind of made Harry take a step back and revaluate himself but he couldn’t dwell too much on it because Niall was already putting on his shoes so Harry stood up and did the same.

“Let’s go.” He said.

\--

Niall looked like he was ready to open the door of Harry’s moving car and roll out of it. Harry kept glancing at Niall’s tense hand on the handle of the car and how he was staring out the window intensely. It was making Harry nervous. “You want me to turn on the radio?” Harry finally asked hoping Niall would say yes.

“No, I want you to focus on the road.” Niall snapped tapping his feet on the carpeted floor of his car and on the door handle. Harry knew Niall was scared and he wasn’t going to comment on it.

“So where are you from?” Harry finally asked when the silence got to be too much and he knew he startled Niall a little bit from the way he jumped in his seat.

“Doesn’t matter.” Was all Niall said. Harry sighed,

“Can I guess?”

“No.”

“Are you being difficult on purpose?” Harry finally asked because what else was there to say? He knew that Niall had told him to leave him alone but here they were in this car by themselves, Niall looking ready to freak the fuck out and Harry was just trying to make the best out of a strange situation.

“I don’t know you, Harry. And you don’t know me.”

“That’s not my fault. I tried.”

“I don’t want to know you. And I most definitely don’t want you knowing me.” Neither of them said anything after that. Harry paid for Niall’s pills, didn’t look at what they were because it was none of his business after all and when they got into the car he heard Niall’s stomach grumble loudly.

“You hungry?” Harry asked even though he knew.

“No.” Niall said but Harry sighed and bought him something anyway. Harry really had no clue what it was about him that Niall hated so much but there must’ve been something. Niall stumbled out of his car without even a thank you and Harry couldn’t help smiling because even then he still liked this boy. Again, so fucked.

\--

Harry was on the baseball diamond, waiting to run when Capucci hit the ball when he looked up for a quick second up at the bleachers and saw Niall sitting besides Zayn, Louis, and Liam watching him. Harry looked away quick just to not get distracted and when Capucci hit the ball he took off, running as fast as his legs could take him. _Don’t think about him_ , Harry whispered to himself but he couldn’t help it.

It was the first time Niall had even bothered showing up anywhere that Zayn had invited him to and the fact that it was his baseball game fuck that got him all out of it. He just wanted to fuck off and go kiss Niall right then and there but he wasn’t going to do that because he was there to play ball not obsess over a beautiful boy sitting in the bleachers in pajama bottoms. Harry hoped that Niall would make this a habit.

After they won Harry went into the locker rooms and took a long hot shower so he wouldn’t stink when he finally saw Niall standing with the others and waiting for him. He hoisted his duffel bag full of his baseball gear over his shoulder and then he was out of there, slapping some of his teammate’s hands and shouting ‘good game’ on the way out.

When Harry got to the parking lot he was met with Zayn, Liam, and Louis all smoking cigarettes and Niall standing around looking nervous but honestly when did Niall not look nervous?

“There’s the MVP!” Liam shouted announcing Harry’s presence and Harry grinned because he couldn’t help himself. He walked over to where Niall was and said a soft, “hey,” so only Niall could hear but it was unkindly returned when Niall stepped away from him almost giving Harry his back. Harry swallowed and stared at Niall’s back _please look at me c’mon please i couldn’t stop thinking of you out there_ he kept thinking but Niall didn’t turn. Not once.

“So I’m thinking Five Guys? Who else?” Louis asked eyes going from Harry and Niall. Harry knew Louis had seen the whole thing go down and he knew Louis wasn’t particularly fond of the kid. Harry wouldn’t be cocky and say it was jealousy because knowing Louis he’d probably just want Harry to be happy and if Niall liked Harry half as much as Harry liked him Louis would never do anything to jeopardize that. Harry got lucky with his friends.

“Can you drive me back to the dorms first?” Niall asked Zayn meekly. Harry felt his heart drop because, really?

“What, why? We were having fun.” Zayn asked melting into Liam’s side. Liam nodded but Niall didn’t budge he was still staring at Zayn and it felt awkward, Harry had to admit.

“Please, Zayn?” Niall asked with a groan, Harry saw his eyebrow and hands twitch. The kid was wound worse than a fucking toy.

“C’mon, Ni stay.” Zayn said pouting. Nobody else was talking, Liam looked a bit confused, Louis looked outraged, and Harry couldn’t even imagine the look on his face. It was obvious that Niall didn’t want to be there with them and Harry was never one to force someone to do something they didn’t want to do so maybe it was better if Niall just left.

“If you don’t drive me back right now I’ll fucking walk.” Niall snapped so suddenly that it was like getting whiplash. One second he was soft and pleading and a little impatient but now he was angry, even had a vein on his neck throbbing and everything. Harry couldn’t see his face but he didn’t have to imagine what it looked like.

“It’s okay, Niall. I’ll drive you.” Harry blurted. He didn’t even feel like himself he felt like he was having an out of body experience watching himself and the others standing around. He was sure that Niall was going to sigh in relief and take him up on his offer but it was Niall and when did he ever do things that Harry expected.

“No, I’ll just walk.” He said through gritted already starting to move. And then Louis exploded,

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You were just bitching at Zayn for not driving you and now you’re bitching at Harry for offering? What the fuck!” Niall backed up like he was sure Louis was going to hit him and honestly Harry was sure of it too.

“Hey, Ni it’s okay. I don’t have to drive you if you don’t want me to.” Harry finally said because he didn’t want Louis to hit someone and he didn’t want Niall to just have a panic attack right in the middle of the fucking parking lot. He wasn’t a jerk and if Niall didn’t want to be around him then he’d have to suck it up the best he could.

“I don’t. I don’t want you to.” Niall said then turned around and actually started walking away.

“He’s so fucking ridiculous.” Louis snapped running a hand through his hair.

“Just drive him home, Zayn.” Harry said because what else could they do? And it wasn’t like the baseball diamond and the university was a good walking distance.

“No, let the fucker walk.” Louis said.

“Louis.” Liam hissed then looked at his boyfriend. “Just drive him. We’ll meet you at Five Guys, alright?”

“God, fine.” Zayn said then jogged over to where Niall already was. He’d gotten pretty far actually Harry had to give him that. Zayn said something and then he was dragging Niall to his car, Niall avoiding all their gazes and Zayn waving goodbye to them.

“Such a fucking fucker.” Louis said and then slid into his car slamming the door after himself.

\--

“A recruiter wants to set up a meeting with you. He was at a couple pre-season games and he fucking loved you, I told him you were the best on the team. Fucking Babe Ruth.” Coach Wright was grinning, teeth a bit yellow-ish from too much smoking and too much coffee.

“Really?” Harry asked. They were sitting at Waffle House the next morning, Coach Wright had called him.

“Yeah. Wants to meet with you sometime this week, I’m thinkin’ Sunday.” Sunday was only two days away. “The sooner we meet him the sooner we get to talkin.’ He wants to see you during the real season wants to see how good you work with the harder teams, you’re gonna have to put in work.”

“What am I doing now? Slacking?” Harry grinned and Coach Wright grinned right back.

“You’re like the son I never had, kid.”

“You have a son, sir.” Harry said confused.

“My son plays the fucking cello and watches Hairspray.”

“Oh.” Harry said not knowing how to reply to that.

“Anyways, Sunday’s good for you right?”

“It’s perfect.”

\--

When the frat house pipe broke Harry groaned, packed up what he needed and went to Zayn’s dorm room. Zayn wasn’t there and neither was Niall but he had a key. Harry needed to get some studying time in both for classes and for baseball, he didn’t know what questions the recruiter would ask all Harry knew is that he worked for The Dodgers. The fucking Dodgers.

Harry was reading a book about the different types of dogs when someone knocked on the door. He raised an eyebrow, why would either Niall or Zayn knock when it was their dorm. He shrugged and opened it anyway to be met with Niall looking confused as ever when he saw Harry.

“Why are you here?” Was how Niall greeted him.

“Zayn let me in. The frat house pipe broke, it’s gonna be fixed by next week but you know. I need a place to stay.” Harry didn’t know why he was saying so much but Niall looked like the type to kick him out if he didn’t have a valid enough reason for being there. Niall nodded slowly then closed the door behind him. Harry noticed he was very careful in locking it.

“I’m gonna study.” Niall finally said.

“Okay, that’s fine.” Harry said. Niall didn’t bother replying to that, he just drifted over to his bed while Harry sat on Zayn’s. Niall was studying and Harry was listening to music and going over some notes on his phone on how to look for his meeting with the interviewer on Sunday but he kept getting distracted with Niall there and he knew he had to talk to him.

“Hey, Niall?” He asked tentatively pulling his ear buds out. Niall stopped writing then looked up, cocking one of his eyebrows. He looked so sexy that Harry had to rub his eyes because god.

“Yes?”

“Why do you hate me?” Harry sounded like a child but he had to ask because he had to know. He didn’t want Niall to hate him forever especially since he liked Niall so much that it hurt that every time Niall didn’t talk to him or ignored him it was like he might as well pour gasoline on himself and light himself on fire. He had it so fucking bad for this kid.

“What?” Niall asked chuckling and it was the first time Harry had heard Niall half-laugh.

“You don’t like me and I just… I wanna know why.”

“Why does it matter?” Niall asked staring at him, curiously. Niall could probably kill him looking like that.

“So you do hate me?”

“No. I’m just not used to you.” Niall said.

“You’ve known Zayn the same amount of time you’ve known me. Did I do something to piss you off?” Harry was so confused and Niall sighed and set his pencil down and looked at Harry like he was actually half sorry about how he’d made Harry feel.

“You’re different, I guess.” Niall finally said, soft and earnest and so fucking real. It was the first time Niall had said something that Harry even believed.

“I piss you off?” Harry asked.

“Unintentionally.” Niall replied with a little shrug.

“Well… I think you’re really cool and I guess I wanted to be your friend. But I’ll stop trying. I promise this time.” And Harry meant it. He was over being that weird guy who couldn’t take a hint because that wasn’t him and he didn’t want to freak Niall out even though he was sure he’d done that enough.

But Niall said something that shocked him into silence, “I never told you to give up.”

\--

“Hey,” Harry said the next day when bio was over and Niall was packing up his bags. He looked up at Harry then backed up a little but he looked a little more open than he had all the other days Harry had approached him.

“Hi.” Niall replied.

“Wanna go get some coffee with me? I work at the place so they give me discounts.” It wasn’t all a lie; he had worked at the coffee place so what if he didn’t anymore. The girl who worked there, Kayla loved him and did give him discounts. He just wanted Niall to go out with him.

“I don’t drink coffee.” Niall said already turning around and walking away like Harry had wasted all his time.

“Seriously?” Harry asked falling into step beside him.

“Yeah seriously. It’s not good for me.” Harry could tell why, Niall was already all nervous and shit like he was hyped up on Adderall adding coffee to the mix was a chaotic combination.

“Then what do you drink?” Harry did not give up as easy as some people would like.

“Why?” Niall asked stopping in the middle of the hallway and looking him up and down.

“Well I wanted to woo you with my coffee making skills but that obviously wouldn’t work.” Harry was sure Niall would say no what with the bored almost annoyed expression on his face. He’d never met someone so scary and he knew Louis, he’d _had_ Louis at one point.

“Woo me?” Niall asked looking so not amused. Harry rubbed the back of his neck because god he was going about this the wrong way.

“Sorry, came out wrong I guess. But what do you drink?” Niall didn’t say anything for a while and then finally,

“Tea but not often.”

“I can make tea.” Harry said sighing in relief,

“Really?” Niall asked and Harry nodded looking down at him. They were so close he could just reach out, wrap his arms around Niall’s waist without even moving, and then they’d kiss.

“Yeah really.” Harry said.

\--

“Why are we at a frat house?” Was the first thing Niall asked him when Harry parked in front of the fraternity. Some of the boys were on the front lawn wrestling and throwing around a football and Niall looked so uncomfortable like he was about to throw up.

“I’m gonna make you tea.” Harry said pleadingly like _please don’t give up on me now c’mon we’ve made it this far._

“I don’t do people.” Niall said eyes focused intensely on the boys playing around. Niall ran a hand across his face.

“Hey, no they’re cool.” Harry said though because he didn’t want Niall to freak out on him but all Niall did was flinch away even though Harry hadn’t even touched him,

“You don’t fucking get it, Harry I don’t do people. I can’t go in there.” Niall looked murderous and Harry felt like an idiot because why in the world did he think that bringing Niall to the frat house was a good idea? It was probably one of the worst ideas he’d ever had actually.

“Niall, I’m sorry I didn’t know fuck I should’ve told you-,”

“Yeah you really should’ve.” Niall interrupted harshly.

“Did I fuck this up?” Harry asked softly,

“What is this?” Niall asked. Harry had already started pulling out of the parking lot. Harry didn’t even know how to answer Niall’s question.

“I don’t know. Whatever you want it to be.” It was true, whatever they were doing right now it was on Niall’s boundaries and Niall’s rules. Harry didn’t mind much as long as he was with Niall it was all good.

“I don’t really know what I want it to be. Didn’t even know there was something to want really.” Niall was scrutinizing him, looking him up and down like he was seeing him for the first time. It didn’t make him uncomfortable just a bit confused.

“Hey, are you okay with going over to Liam’s place? I really wanna make you some tea.” Harry finally said because he wasn’t going to ruin their kind of sort of date even though it had started off a train wreck he’d make sure it didn’t end the same.

“You wanna woo me that bad?” Niall asked there was a small smile on his face one that was pulling the breath from Harry one by fucking one.

“Yeah.” Harry said meaning it so fucking much. Niall looked away but he didn’t look angry or uncomfortable, Harry caught him smiling even though his face was turned away. Maybe it wasn’t all going to shit like he had originally thought.

\--

Liam always left the key under the mat so when they got to Liam’s it was easy to get inside. Harry was glad that Liam was so fucking OCD about everything being neat because honestly if he had his own apartment it would look disastrous. He closed Liam’s front door and he turned a little to find Niall blushing and it was such a pretty blush too that Harry had to ask why.

“I was just thinking.” Niall replied ever the elusive one.

“What tea do you like?” Harry asked not wanting to make Niall uncomfortable. Niall seemed the type to only tell you things if he wanted to, not the type to just blurt out his whole life story just because someone asked.

“Surprise me.” Harry laughed because Niall wanting surprises, what kind of parallel universe had he stepped in?

“You don’t seem like the type to like surprises.” He said but all Niall did was shrug like he this was an everyday thing.

“Yeah, well.” Niall said and Harry grinned retreating to the kitchen. He kept glancing up at Niall while making tea and he couldn’t see his face because he was looking out Liam’s ridiculously large window that allowed a view to the city and he was just so fucking enamored that he couldn’t believe it. He never even imagined getting this far with a boy like Niall.

\--

They were sitting on the floor watching Netflix with one blanket thrown over both their shoulders and Harry felt warm and fuzzy and lightheaded like he’d smoked some kush with Zayn or he’d won a particularly hard game and he’d been in the motherfucking zone. Their shoulders kept brushing and it was nice, Harry was hyperaware of everything and he wanted Niall in his arms but he wasn’t going to rush into things because it was Niall and he’d worked far too hard to fuck it up now.

Niall put his mug down slowly and said, “Tell me about your family. Tell me about some things you love.” Harry would do anything for Niall so he just nodded and set his mug down. He took Niall’s cold feet into his hands and started tracing patterns on them; Niall had the softest feet ever. Harry didn’t even have a foot fetish.

“Yeah okay.” Harry said wondering where to even start. “I have an older sister named Gemma we’re really close cause you know it’s just us and my parents have been divorced since I was like six. My mom actually taught me how to play baseball because she used to play it when she was younger and then she coached little league for a long time. My dad always forgets my birthday so he sends a card full of money whichever date he actually thinks he is. It’s like a surprise every year. I love… people and pretty things,” Harry couldn’t help looking at Niall when he said it because he wanted Niall to know that he was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen, that he could travel all around the world and meet models and celebrities and pretty insignificant people but Niall would always be the prettiest, would always be his favorite but Niall didn’t say anything so he continued, “and I like baseball and I like snow a lot. I like my hometown and I like cats and boys. Cats with boys. I dunno.”

Harry was smiling too and Niall was smiling that smile of his, the one that let Harry know that he was lucky and he didn’t deserve a boy like that not in a million fucking years.

“Your turn.” Harry finally said because he wanted to hear about Niall’s childhood because he wanted to know who and what made Niall… well, Niall.

“Not much to say.” Niall said softly looking down at Harry’s large hands on his feet.

“You look like the type of person who’s got a lot of history behind them.” Harry replied because Niall did.

“Well… I don’t. Typical teenage boy life.” Harry knew Niall wasn’t telling him a lot but he didn’t really mind. And he had to do what he was thinking of doing right fucking now or else he was going to miss his chance and then what? Harry turned suddenly so that Niall legs weren’t on him anymore and he was crouching in front of Niall and he softly took Niall’s face in between his large hands. Niall was looking up at him, lips wet because he was licking them so much and mouth half open.

“I don’t know how this stuff works.” Harry found himself saying like a fucking idiot but it was true.

“What stuff?” Niall asked softly.

“Niall stuff. You’re a hard one to figure out.”

“What’s there to figure out?”

“Everything. Can I kiss you?” Harry wanted no needed to be sure that Niall wanted this like he did because fuck god he’d never felt like this before and it was killing him. He remembered when Liam and Zayn had had their first bad messy break up where Liam actually cried and Zayn couldn’t stop smoking and doing destructive things and Zayn had read Liam this poem that he’d found by this guy named Richard Siken and there was a line in the poem that went a little like, _“tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.”_

And Harry couldn’t stop thinking about it even when Niall said, “If you want.” And even when he pressed his lips to Niall’s and it was soft and it was shy and it was so fucking right like he’d been waiting for it his whole life. And Niall kept making these needy little sounds into his mouth and he couldn’t fall apart even though he wanted to because Niall was falling apart enough for both of them and after the kiss Harry had to hold him and Niall pressed his ear to Harry’s chest and Harry kept his hand right there on Niall’s wrist. Their hearts were beating in time to each other’s. It was the most beautiful thing Harry had ever felt.

\--

The next morning when Harry drove Niall home he pushed Niall up against the car door because that was a thing he could do now and he kissed him, cradling his face in a way that you’d do with something breakable with something fragile. Niall was scared he could feel it but he was hoping to swallow all that fear and put it inside of himself instead.

\--

Harry was getting ready for his interview when he got a call three hours later. It was from Zayn and he picked up quickly,

“What’s up, doc?”

“Niall’s at the hospital.” Zayn rushed out sounding worried and out of it, there was lots of moving from Zayn’s end. Harry’s blood immediately turned cold and the smile slipped off his face.

“What?”

“I just came into the dorm and he’s fucking passed out on the floor and he’s cold he’s so fucking cold, I called the ambulance and they took him to the hospital. I didn’t know what was going on.”

“The hospital?” Harry asked sitting down on his bed and curling a hand through his hair.

“Yes, Harry for fucks sakes he’s at the hospital. I don’t know how he’ll feel when they get him stabilized so I just called all of you guys, I can’t be here alone. I don’t know a thing about the kid, I don’t even know if he has parents.”

“I’ll be there fifteen minutes tops. I promise.”

“Okay, fuck, okay.” Zayn whispered sounding tired and broken. Harry hung up and swallowed thought about how he had to be at the interview in ten minutes but right now the interview felt so fucking miniscule. Why should he care about the interview when Niall was in a hospital room and Harry was at loss as to what happened to him? Niall was his boy.

Fuck baseball.

\--

Louis, Liam, and Zayn were all there when he finally stumbled into the hospital. Louis immediately pushed a coffee into his hands.

“Sit down.” He said so Harry sat.

“What happened?” Harry asked after taking a sip of his coffee.

“We don’t know. They won’t tell us because we’re not his family.” Zayn said softly looking down at his hands. “It’s so screwed up.”

“What?”

“We’ve all known him for about two months and neither of us bothered to get to know him. Who does that?”

“It’s not our fault, Zayn.” Liam said but Harry could see where Zayn was coming from because honestly what did Harry know about Niall, he kept himself in this fucking box and he gave nobody the key. It was sad how much he was willing to sacrifice for a boy he didn’t even know. When even was his birthday?

“Look, we just gotta focus on what’s important right now. Niall isn’t dead I’m pretty sure they’d at least tell us that so we gotta stop acting like he is alright? We don’t know him honestly but he needs people right now and we have to be those people.” Louis was looking at each of them in determination and Harry could kiss him honestly because Louis was the most genuine person he knew because Louis could hate your fucking guts but when shit came down to it he’d never let you die.

“Louis’ right.” Liam said.

“Of course.” Louis replied cracking a small painful smile. They didn’t talk for the next fifteen minutes and then Niall stepped through the door face pale and clothes on. Harry was the first to stand up,

“Ni, what happened?” He asked closing the gap between them in two short steps but all Niall did was step back and turn his face.

“Don’t call me that.” Niall said suddenly and Harry blinked confused.

“Niall, what happened?”

“I’m going home.” Niall said and the way he said Harry fucking knew that Niall hadn’t meant the dorms where he’d been living for two months, he meant Ireland or wherever he was living before this.

“Yeah that’s where we’re going.” Zayn said standing up and going to Niall’s side but Niall was simply staring at Harry, he knew that Harry knew what he meant. Niall was breaking his heart.

“No, Zayn. Ireland. I’m going to Ireland.” Niall confirmed.

“Why? What’s going on?” Zayn asked confused, Liam and Louis had gotten to their feet too watching him. Harry wanted to yell at them to back the fuck up but he was just so scared.

“I can’t… I can’t stay here anymore. I have to go.”

“Niall, can we talk? Niall, please.” Niall was already shaking his head before Harry could even finish his sentence but fucking fuck that because Harry wasn’t going to sit back and just let Niall leave without getting some answers. He wasn’t that guy and Niall was his and this love was for keeps not some halfway shit, it was all or fucking nothing. So he wrapped his hand around Niall’s wrist and tugged him outside and he was ready to demand to know what kind of shit Niall was talking but one look at into Niall’s eyes and he was fucking gone. He couldn’t do it so he just wrapped his arm around his fragile boy and Niall fell into it, sobbing and shaking like he’d never been hugged in his life like he’d never been allowed to fall to pieces.

“If you’re going to Ireland, I’m coming with you.” Harry whispered meaning every single fucking word. He wasn’t leaving Niall not when he was like this, scared and upset and god suffocating Harry with the force of his sadness.

“You can’t. You have school… you have baseball.” Niall blubbered but Harry didn’t give a crap about school or baseball not with Niall like this. He didn’t know what they were, didn’t know if they were boyfriends or whatever but what kind of person would he be to leave Niall in a state like this. He wasn’t that guy.

“You you you you.”

“I’m not… I’m not enough. You can’t-,”

“I can and you’re everything. You’re everything, Niall Horan. You’re mine okay? And I’m not gonna be a big fucking fool and let you go by yourself. I’ll stay with you as long as you like, I’ll stay with you till the end of time, Niall Horan.” Harry rucked Niall’s shirt up a little so that his fingers were resting on Niall’s hip, caressing a scar he had there whatever it was but that didn’t matter at the moment. All that mattered was this boy and he was never ever going to let him go. Not if he could fucking help it at least.

\--

Zayn bought them the plane tickets, looked at Harry oddly when he did but he did it anyway and then they were off on a plane. Harry held Niall’s hand the whole time because he knew Niall was nervous and because it was okay for him to be. Harry pressed his lips to Niall’s knuckles, to his hands and Niall blushed and looked away but it was okay.

Everything was fine. Everything was okay.

\--

Harry fell back as he watched Niall hug a pretty blonde woman and a little baby boy as they talked about Niall’s father. Harry watched as Niall actually smiled so fucking easy and then a boy (no man) that looked like Niall but older was stepping into the hospital and then they were hugging and there was more talking. Harry knew introductions would happen later, now it was Niall’s time.

\--

“I’m Denise, this is Theo, and this is Greg. We’re Niall’s family.” The blonde woman- Denise- said when Niall was allowed to go inside to his father.

“I’m Harry, Niall’s friend.” Harry said because he and Niall hadn’t talked about it yet. Denise and Greg exchanged a look but didn’t comment.

“How’s he been?” Greg asked suddenly very serious.

“He seemed fine last I saw him before he was taken to the hospital. I think it was just the news taking a toll on him you know.” Harry said and Greg nodded slowly then said,

“You do know my brother isn’t the most… social person around yes?”

“Yeah.”

“And I know he can take care of himself but he seems to care about you… and you about him I hope,” Harry nodded so Greg continued, “so watch out for him okay? He gets out of it sometimes; it’s really not his fault.”

\--

After talking to Niall’s brother and sister-in-law Harry ducked out of the hospital and called Louis.

“Hey.” Louis said sounding relieved when he picked up.

“Hey, Louis.”

“How are things? How’s Niall?”

“He’s fine. We’re at the hospital; he’s talking to his dad.”

“Is he going to be alright?”

“Who? Niall or his dad?”

“Both.”

“Yeah I think they’ll both be fine.”

“Okay, that’s good. That’s really fucking good.”

“Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you okay so so much and I’m so happy that I have you okay. I got lucky with you.”

Louis laughed, “You say the sweetest things.”

“No, Louis I mean it.”

“I know. I love you too… you know that.”

“I didn’t mean to break your heart, Louis. That was never my intention.”

“I know. We’re good, he makes you happy. You guys need each other.”

“You’re still my first.”

“And he’s your now. Don’t bring up the past, Harry what good does it do? I love you. See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

\--

Harry had his legs curled around Niall’s under the table. Niall was watching some guy smoking outside, his eyes following the smoke trail the man’s cigarette left. Niall was so beautiful even half dazed he looked about to be the most beautiful thing in the whole fucking universe. Harry wanted to give Niall everything, wanted to give Niall Ursa Major and all the constellations and creations.

“They’re all lovely.” Harry finally said.

“Yeah. They are.” Niall replied.

“What are you planning on doing?”

“I have no clue yet. Do I have to have everything figured out yet? Can’t I be clueless?” _You can be anything you want, baby._

“Yeah, Niall we’ll stay here for as long as it takes for you to figure it out.”

“Even if I want to stay here forever? Right in this little diner?”

“Yeah me and you, baby. Just say when.”

Niall laughed and looked out the window. He watched the man a little bit more but Harry could care less about him. The guy finally left and Niall turned to him and suddenly sat up and leaned over the table, and Niall totally nervous and apprehensive Niall pressed his lips to Harry’s lips.

“When.” He said and all Harry could do was kiss him again and again until the waitresses were side eyeing them.

\--

“Harry, do you fucking know what you just cost me, kid? Do you know how long we waited for you?” Coach Wright screamed into the telephone. Harry was sitting in a bathroom stall; Coach Wright had called him while he and Niall were stuffing their faces with food. Harry loved baseball but Coach Wright could go suck his dick balls and all. He didn’t want all that fame, he just wanted to play ball.

“With all due respect, coach,” Harry said, “I don’t give a fuck.” And then he hung up.


End file.
